Final Performance

We finished the run of “In the Context of Life” on Sunday. Friday night we started warming up with a cast dance to Kathy’s upbeat music. I really enjoyed the freedom to dance without an audience and seeing the dance floor filled with joyful dancing.The Firehouse is such a warm space with its wooden floors and the care that went into creating the space.

Kathy told me that she liked my dance the best because there was no talking. I hadn’t realized that mine was the only one without talking. I thought mine was the simplest piece, but Pam told me it was complicated and the most dancelike. If there were an opportunity to use one of the pieces in a dance work, she said mine would be the piece that would qualify.

It took time to get used to the space and the lights. Although I never got comfortable with the lights glaring at me when I faced them. The second weekend I was still stressed and my body exhausted and tense. It helped not being on stage just before my piece so I could warm up with yoga poses and stretches under the seats. During the performance there was enough time between some moves so that I would shut off my mind as a way to handle the stress and discomfort. Ella reminded me not to go through it by rote, anticipating the next move.   Last weekend I forgot a move and Ella’s subtle hints didn’t trigger the correct move so the dance was thrown off a little. It was one of the few nights Pam watched so I expected some tsk, tsking, can’t remember your moves, but instead she was complimentary on how the dance was different and better. She explained that the tension the “mistake” created added to the dance. This weekend it sunk in that the piece was not static that I could still make a difference in the performance. I realized that I could make conscious choices in the piece by being more present. I missed the playfulness of rehearsals so I asked Ella if we could smile at each other in the end. It was never the joy of the creative process, but the space between us did get lighter. I especially liked the beginning when I followed her on stage in the semidarkness and at the end, her slight tap that we could walk off the stage, private moments.

My mother asked me if I would miss the people, but the cast didn’t spend that much time together. We spent most of it sitting on the stage watching each other. Also many of the people are public artists who I can see in other performances. All the dancers, including Pam, are in a production at the beginning of November. Shannon, who did the lights, will be running the lights at a Western theater production and invited me to come. And the musicians play around town.  After ten performances, I did not need to see the piece again. Spencer gave me a copy of Kathy’s music, my sheep bells and several of his other compositions. Some of the lines run through my memory, and some of the moves. 

In the process of creating the dance I moved through some of the frustrations that I have in my work as a caregiver. But further into the process, I left my work behind and allowed the dance to evolve into  my changing role as a caregiver to my daughter; to feel the give and take in our relationship as she moves closer when she needs me and then back out.  And finally as a way of letting go of my role with her as it was and allowing a more equal relationship to emerge as she becomes more independent and struggles with decisions she needs to make as a young woman.  

There is a beginning modern dance class on Monday nights that I’d like to try.  Kathy might try it as well. I think about how I made slight changes in the piece by being more present, which created a better experience for me. I can’t easily change my job, but I can create a better experience for me even in the mundane. So I carry the dance experience with me.